A three hour tour.....

Sit right back and you'll hear a tale.

A tale of a fateful ship.

A ship called 'The Cayuga Lady'.

I reworked the lyrics from Gilligan's Island to incorporate the varied cast. Unfortunately that piece of paper seems to have been lost to the ages. I do remember though that I was able to rhyme 'compromised' and 'breathalyzed' in one couplet. I was always rather pleased with that one.

Where was I...

Oh, yes. 'The Lady'. She was an actual Paddlewheel boat that ran on Cayuga Lake. I say actual in the sense that she was propelled by paddlewheel and not rigged up with some fake wheel and run with hidden motors. No, she was old school she was, came up from the Mississippi and everything. And we catered meals on that boat, two a day during the first of the season then three cruises during the latter part.

Funny thing is that the Home Base of The Catering Company was 45 Minutes away in the best of conditions and at least an hour during the latter part since they had to move the boat to the South end of the Lake(I say at least an hour, though if you take all of those crazy turns at 90 MPH you can shave it down to 50 minutes). Regardless, it was a pain in the ass to make food for two or three cruises a day, seven days a week and get it there on time all through the Summer into the Fall.

This is on top of everything else that we had booked. So imagine taking Total Chaos and then Setting Everything On Fire.

But I suppose that I should introduce you to the cast of this doomed water vessel.

Let us start with the Branaugh's. James and his wife Barb, were the face of the operation. I always heard that there were several backers that were the big money investors, but the Branaugh's ran the show. James was even one of the captains that piloted the ship from time to time. Not as well as some mind you, but there you have it.

Captain Jesse and Captain Bob were the main guys that ran the boat during my tenure there.

Captain Jesse was a consummate professional. Ran a tight ship and ran it well. Had a great commentary that he would run through every cruise, pointing out the different sights to see. You could tell exactly where you were on the lake by simply listening to his spiel. My favourite part of his monologue was where he would talk about the fact that 27 paddlewheel boats have operated on the Lake.

One Beat.

Two Beat.

"26 have burnt to the waterline and sank."

I was never able to talk him into interjecting my little 'facts' into the speech. I always wanted him to follow that last line with.

'And be sure to go say hi to the crew in the galley as they are cooking with #10 cans of Sterno."

(here's a secret...open flames are illegal on a commercial boat like that.)

(and Sterno can be really fucking dangerous)

(especially in a #10 can which is larger than a gallon of paint)

(just sayin...)

Captain Jesse was a nervous man by nature, worried a lot, but he ran the ship well and always got everybody back safely. It's just that, when he got excited or panicked, he kind of turned into Don Knotts. Not the knocking down, pratfall part, just the look of sheer terror and the bugged out eyes. I felt bad that the one time that we had something of an emergency(that he immediately handled with the utmost efficiency) I could do nothing but stand there and gawk as the Ghost of Mr. Furley sprang into such ferocious action. I can't even remember what the situation was, but I will forever be awed by that transformation.

Then there was Captain Bob. I was recently back in the old stomping grounds for a buddy's wedding and happened to run into Captain Bob. Seems his Wife is longtime friends with the Bride. Crazy small world. So we chatted for a while and rehashed some of the tamer stories of what went on at the boat. I had no idea how much his wife knew about those days, so I did not delve too far.

Well Captains Bob was unflappable coolness coupled with such a dry sense of humour you could call it parched. He would do a monologue just like the rest of the Captains would when running a cruise, except his would be laden with subtle comedy gold. Little insider jokes that no one but the crew would get. You had to be paying attention when you listened, you never knew what you might hear nor believe that he said it on a public cruise.

Captain Bob also tended to take care of all emergency repairs on the boat. That kept him busier than I can say that I was comfortable with but we always made it back in one piece. One day I saw him pop up out of the 'Bilge'. I never went down there, but with the name and the stench I sure wasn't going to offer to go willingly. Covered in muck and grease, he absent-mindedly wrung his hands in one of the Blue Napkins that we used for the guests. I went on a bit of a tirade at this point about how he had just utterly ruined that napkin and how I was going to have to listen to Mrs. Kauffman scream about the fact that the boat goes through so many linens.

"Oh." Captain Bob said. "Then I suppose that she really won't like the fact that I used a whole bag of them and a roll of Duct Tape to plug a hole in the bottom of the ship."

"Do what you have to do, Sir." I replied sheepishly.